The Elliptical Sits on a Throne of Lies

Liar, liar, pants on fire.

Liar, liar, pants on fire!

We believe what we want to believe. That’s why when, after 30 minutes and barely breaking a sweat, the elliptical tells us that you’ve burned 34,835,489,574,875 calories, we believe it.

It’s lying.

Why do you think it is the most popular machine in the cardio room?

Because it is EASY. It is SO easy compared to running. And oddly, claims to burn about three times the calories. Yell at me all you want, but deep down you know it’s true.

Have you ever wondered why, after burning so many calories on the elliptical, you aren’t losing weight? Or why running seems so much more challenging, even for a short little bit? Or why 112-year-olds are able to use this machine with ease?

It’s lying. It doesn’t feel hard because it is, in fact, not hard. If you don’t feel like you’re working, YOU AREN’T WORKING. I don’t care what it says. This machine doesn’t have superpowers.

Is it better than sitting on the couch? Of course. Is it better than going for a three mile power walk? Absolutely not.

You don’t have to run at full-tilt to beat out the elliptical. Get on the treadmill, turn that incline way the hell up, and walk it out. I promise you you’ll feel it in your booty tomorrow. And while you may not be able to talk on the phone, watch E!, and read a book while doing it, you’ll see actual results—and they feel a lot better than fake ones.